I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
