so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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