i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
