U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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