I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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