So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
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I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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