I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
