whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
