plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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