so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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