It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
