thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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