My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
