I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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