You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
