I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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