Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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