guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
