At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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