She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
