whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
