my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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