theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
why do cheetos always look like penises
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
did i just pee glitter
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
