someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
