Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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