I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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