Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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