if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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