finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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