I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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