So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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