Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
