He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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