So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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