I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
