I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
