There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize