and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
