The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
