he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
