in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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