nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
