woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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