yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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