Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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