my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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