If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
