bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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