you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
