just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
