I just threw up on my dentist
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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