how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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