True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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