I think i peed on brittanys purse
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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