when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He shit in the fireplace
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
