Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
