I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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