What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
