just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The Olympian is in my bed
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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