I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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